Who am I?

When you think about it, what kind of person are you really? Are you who you think you are? What your friends say you are? Or who you want to be....

These things have been going through my head for a long time now. Like, am I the Soon to be University student computer nerd? Am I the party animal that others say I am, who blacks out once you get enough alcohol into me? Or am I the nice fun loving guy I want to be?

I started to think really hard about all of this. I love going to parties, I love to have a drink, maybe more than I should, so I do fit the party animal description, hell I'm invited to a friends 21 in a few days, and i just had a party last night, where I don't remember shit and I have been told that I did something or got lucky, I don't know, I was that shit faced ha, but I don't mind if i did, because if it was anyone, I hope it was my friend *laughs* she is a cool person. But then reality hits me in the balls. Now, I have a very tight life, I party because of the stress i get. To fully explain this, lets take a trip to the past....

In 2001 we came back right, just before this whole 911 thing-o, that had nothing to do with what happened from this point on, just a time everyone knows about. Now we came back from the Philippines so my mum can give birth to my 2nd brother. My dad wanted him to be born in Australia because that way he can get the benefits of both countries. Well, he was born, but not before my dad was admitted into hospital, his kidneys collapsed and all shit broke lose. Now, the next year, my mum gave birth to my 3rd brother, same month, we are all born in October. At this time my dad was pretty bad, about 5-6 months after he got admitted into hospital again, got his legs cut off. You see, my dad had everything in the books, diabetes, heart problems, he had a stroke a long time ago, he has kidney problems, blind in one eye so-on so-on....

2003, shit hit fan. October 10, right after my 1st brothers birthday, now I'm the oldest, just to get things on track. Now you probably know about small things that can eat you up inside, well read on. This night changed my life, I can't say or good or bad, well I was a very bad time. My dad had been very happy the whole day, till he got a message from the Philippines, something went wrong, I don't really know, but it made him very angry. When he is angry he wont talk to anyone, he just watches TV, I was the last person to speak to him that night, he asked for a bowl of caned fruit, I remember it to this day, everything that happened. After he finished I took it away and put it in the sink, then went back to my gaming, I was still young. My dad coughed, now, this was normal, it was a deep one, but still I was use to it, so i continued on with playing my games. About 2 hours later, it happened again, now then my mum yelled for me, I came there, and my dad was having a heart attack. This isn't the first time, I have seen him like this before, and he always pulled though. Not this night. I stool there, helpless, I rang for a ambulance right away, they got there in 10 min, my mum was already performing CPR. I just stood by, helpless. Now I knew this day would come, but you can't prepare for it, not matter what, because when it does come, its nothing you can ever anticipate, the feeling that is. Now he died that night, I wont go into any more details. But he had been in that state for a while already, so, I know that if i went to check on him, the first time, he would have probably pulled though. I blame myself to this day, that I ignored that.

Because of what happened, my mum had to pull though and support a family alone, four kids, not easy. She eventually got work and stuff, after going back to school, to update her knowledge. She is a accountant, yea hard to spend money when your mum is one. But while she was doing all of that, I had to make a lot of changed in my life, first off, I had to take care of my brothers, learn how to cook and so on. its been like 5 years from that time. My mum works from 7:30 in the morn till about 7 at night, Now, my brothers get home from school at 4. Food had to be ready for them at about 6 so they can be in bed at 8, the house needs cleaning and so-on. My 1st brother has gotten to the age where he is a big help, but also a big pain. He is going though the whole I'm big stage, where all he cares about is how he looks and so on, that pisses me off too, I'm the worse looking fuck you can set eyes on, and my brother is like a model. And he always shits on me for it. What else? I'm 18 and a virgin, never had a girl friend, well one that actually counted. Oh well, enough about that, back to the point. I have given up all my social life just about, to help out, I never use to go to parties or anything while i was still at school. I had few friends because I was a nerd, I wanted to make something of my life, so that meant being unpopular, you have to take the bad with the good. So yea, thats one part of me.

The other part, is the party animal, Now I know I don't go to parties, that was while i was at school, the moment I finished, I have been to them all the time, getting drunk and having fun, but it will come to a end as soon as I start University. But everyone says I'm crazy at parties, I black out as well, so I don't remember shit. I just been to a party, and I don't remember what happened that night. It was my friends birthday. Now I got so hammered, I can't recall much, if anything after midnight or 1am. The next morning I was told I got lucky, now for all I know, I'm being lead on. Which is probably what is going on, they just wanted a laugh. But yea, then before that, New Years Eve, I got completely out of it, and i didn't even make it to 10pm... But from what I'm always told, I'm the best at parties, the guy that is funny, and doesn't remember what he did the next morning. They said, everyone needs one of them at a party. Well thats me. I got another party to go to, soon, like within the week. I don't I can keep affording this kind of life-style. It's fun, but I don't think its good for me.

Now the final part of me. The part who is all nerdy and stuff. I have a thing with computers, and technology. I have fixed, built and purchased a lot of them, I have already lost count. And some times I got some cash in my hand. I always talk about computers, I wont shut up at times, It's what I do, and now I'm going to University to become a Computer Software Engineer. Yea, Full into it now. Everyone at school, would talk to me, not because they wanted to be my friend or anything, but just so they can use me, to help them fix their problems, but I liked it, because it was the only attention I got. I lived with it, and just went on with what I did best.

So, really, I am all of these different parts of me, But what really hits me is, is this who I am? Or am I just being what others want me to be? Or Am I someone else, am I still finding out who I am? Finding myself.......... I want to know, because, I don't know myself, who I am.......

Well, I bet I have said some weird shit, and have probably contradicted myself or something along them lines, But this is what is going though my head, who am I? It's probably just all the shit I think about, the emotions I go though. Stress, anger, sorrow, loneliness. All these affect everyone, but how is it affecting me....